The only way I'd ever be featured in an issue of Sports Illustrated would be if...

The question: Congratulations! You're going to be featured in the next issue of Sports Illustrated. How does your bio read?

The only way I'd ever be featured in an issue of Sports Illustrated would be if:

1. They started publishing a BBW swimsuit edition.
2. I did something stupid at a sporting event, a la Steve Bartman.
3. Procrastination was declared to be a sport.
4. Sleeping was declared to be a sport.
5. I drank an entire bottle of tequila and in my drunken stupor decided to hold the entire staff of Sports Illustrated hostage until they agreed to put me in the magazine, photoshopping my face onto cheerleader bodies to accompany the story.
6. The printer mixed up "Internet Addict Monthly" with "Sports Illustrated" and accidentally put the six-page feature article on the ins and outs of pwning n00bs on nin.com in place of a spread on the NCAA Basketball Tournament, leaving both sports fans and fangirly web geeks severely confused.
7. I followed the SI photographers from event to event, strategically placing myself in the background of every photo while wearing a red and white striped shirt so that readers could play "Where's Jaye" while skimming the articles.
8. My illustrious career as a high school cheerleader suddenly became a topic of national interest.
9. One of my friends decided it would be funny to hack into SI's computers and change the layout of the magazine to include a long feature outlining all the things I do on Superbowl Sunday instead of actually watching the game.
10. A freak zombie holocaust occurs, mysteriously leaving only really athletic people, sports fans, and me alive to rebuild human civilization once the zombies have been annihilated, in which case I'd become a global celebrity by virtue of existing as the only human on Earth who doesn't play or watch sports.