Becoming a gym junkie

After almost a year off the weight loss wagon, I got the kick in the ass I needed to help me hop back on. A friend recently joined a local private gym and gave them my name to try and get a referral bonus. So shortly before New Year's I got a call offering a free month trial membership. My first instinct was to say no, but some little voice in my head prompted me to make the appointment knowing that I could simply not go if I changed my mind later. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that this might really be a good idea. I could take the one free month and see just how often I ended up working out. It's not like I've been successful at dragging my ass out in the freezing cold of winter or extreme summer heat and humidity to walk. I decided if I ended up actually using the gym on a regular basis then I'd look into a membership somewhere cheaper, since I just had the feeling there was no way I could afford a membership at a private gym.

So we went. And we sat through the hard sell. And it turned out the deal they offered us was cheaper than a membership at the YMCA because they put us on a joint membership, something all the other gyms would only do for married couples. Plus, they pointed out that a gym membership costs less than the amount we spend on cigarettes and junk food.

And they're totally right about that.

For somebody who has almost 100 pounds still to lose and a marathon still in her future plans, spending money on lattes, restaurant food, snacks at the convenience store, and cigarettes without a second thought while balking at the idea of a gym membership is ridiculous. If I'm serious about getting in shape and dropping a significant amount of weight I should rearrange my priorities accordingly. It's part of the lifestyle change, just like changing one's eating habits and increasing activity. I should be rearranging my financial attitudes as well. I can't claim that I can't afford to pay for something that would help reach me reach an important goal when the truth is that I'm spending more than that on stuff that's impeding my progress.

And then I realized what's really kept me from joining a gym before. It's not the money. It's not the contract commitment. It's the ridiculous idea that I shouldn't need help to train for a marathon or lose 130 pounds. It's the feeling that it's somehow nobler or better to do those things without assistance or expensive tools or traditional methods. It's me subconsciously knowing that if I go it alone and fail that I can try and blame the failure (at least in part) on the fact that I didn't have the luxury of a trainer or a gym membership. It's the fear that others who are striving towards similar goals will be judgmental of the fact that I'm not doing this all on my own.

And all of that -- ALL OF IT -- is ridiculous.

This isn't a contest. It's not a race. It doesn't matter how fast I get to my goal, it only matters that I get there. Someone who loses weight on their own without using any fitness equipment isn't any better than somebody who has to have a personal trainer kicking their ass on a regular basis or somebody who has to have surgery to help lose the weight. If this goal is important to me -- which it is -- then I should be willing to do anything reasonable that would help me get there in a healthy manner.

And that means I need to make going to the gym a hobby. I need to be one of "those girls" who use their days off to take an extra class or get in a longer workout than usual. While I was losing the 55 pounds I dropped in 2009 and early 2010 one of the things I learned is that losing weight takes a lot more activity than the media would have you believe. I didn't lose 55 pounds doing half hour workouts three days a week. I was walking as hard as I could manage for at least an hour almost every day, sometimes over two hours. I'm well aware that it takes serious commitment of time and energy to raise one's activity level high enough to lose a considerable amount of weight at any noticeable pace.

So we joined.

And then we signed up for sessions twice a month with a personal trainer.

That means every month the membership fee will come out of the bank no matter what, and we shouldn't waste it by not using the gym. It means we don't have the option of wasting the money on something else and deciding we "can't afford" the gym anymore. It means we've got somebody whose job it is to hold us accountable and guide us through an appropriate workout plan to get us to our goals. It means we can no longer avoid doing strength training by claiming we don't know if we're doing the exercises properly. It means we have only two choices now: get serious about getting fit or get serious about wasting money and not taking care of ourselves.

It means we've made the choice to invest in fitness instead of investing in junk.

I joke about becoming one of "those girls." You know, the skinny girls who are always talking about spending time at the gym or catching a step class or going out for a run in the mornings. We talk about them like they're some other species, like they're fundamentally different from "normal" people. We look at them like the must have just been born knowing how to use all the equipment, as if skinny people have some special knowledge the rest of us don't get. We roll our eyes like their workouts are totally unnecessary, as if they just play around at working out because obviously their skinny bodies will just stay skinny no matter what they put into them. But the truth is that the skinny girls at the gym are skinny because they spend time at the gym. They care about their bodies. And we can roll our eyes at that all we want, but we should be doing the same thing. If we want to be fit and we want to lose weight, we have to care about our bodies and spend time on them. Period.

So my resolution this year is to become one of those girls. I'm going to become a gym junkie. I'm going to spend time learning how to use all the equipment instead of spending time tending virtual cities and farms on Facebook. I'm going to rush to the gym so I can catch the beginning of a good TV show on the elliptical machine instead of waiting to leave for the gym until after the show is over. I'm going to be one of those people that the front desk staff recognizes. And I'm going to do it simply because I know it will help me get to where I want to be.

"Actually, I had another thing planned for that night and I... Oh, there's going to be food? I'll be there with bells on!"

I'm a pro at saying no.

I grew up in a family full of people who suck at it. They don't want to offend, inconvenience, or disappoint anyone. Instead they frustrate, inconvenience, and deprive themselves. I've watched people around them continue to take advantage, ultimately resulting in all sorts of weird frenemy-type relationships that aren't satisfactory to anyone.

So I resolved a long time ago to stay the hell out of that kind of cycle. If the benefits of saying yes to someone or something don't outweigh the negatives, forget it. No regrets.

So what can't I say no to?

Free food.

I used to be a sucker for free shit of all types. If somebody offered it, I would take it in hopes that I might someday be able to use it. But I got over that pretty quick after having to move a few times (once with no help). Nothing makes you evaluate your attachment to your possessions like being faced with the task of physically carrying them from place to place. I still collect far too much stuff in the hopes that it'll be useful in an art project some day, but otherwise I'm getting a lot better at paring down how much clutter I accumulate.

But food? Diet aside, how the hell can you turn down free food? Even if I'm not real keen on spending a meal with somebody, I'll make an exception if it means not having to spend money on food. It doesn't matter how annoyed I am at my parents or what they're serving, if they offer to feed me I'm there.

If I find out-of-date food at work that's going to be thrown out, I'll bring it home. It's not like food magically goes rancid the day after the date on the package.

But hey, what could possibly be wrong with being a food mooch? It's not like I show up on anyone's doorstep begging for a meal. Okay, sometimes at my parents' house I do.

I resolve to shop more this year!

I slept all evening yesterday, and now I'm not tired enough to sleep. I was going to be productive and work on my taxes, but then I realized that by closing my business bank account I made it impossible to retrieve my electronic statements online. Oops. They're going to email them to me, but it'll take a few days.

I can't clean because everyone else in the house is asleep, so I have to be relatively quiet. And I can't run errands because nothing is open.

So I'm going to bug the hell out of anyone who might be awake and paying attention by posting a crap ton of Plinky answers! Yay!!

Where do I resolve to go more this year?

The grocery store.

Kourt and I have a really bad habit of eating out ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Quick drive thru snacks, late night breakfasts at Ziggies or Waffle House, the once or twice a week sit-down dinners, and the more-often-than-we-should trips for sushi. Beyond that, I have an even worse habit of eating food from the convenience store while I'm at work, and you know gas stations are short on healthy and even shorter on affordable healthy.

I like to cook, but I hate to cook in our kitchen. We know it's cheaper and healthier, but it's not as convenient. Not by a long shot. But this year is going to be all about concentrating on more long-term goals like saving for a house and getting to my weight goal.

So I'm determined to actually make use of our kitchen by eating mostly at home. I'm going to take my meals with me to work, keep the cupboards stocked, and cook meals in bulk on my days off so we have easy solutions ready in the house when we get hungry.

Plus, I want to start buying more organic and whole foods. I truly think that the root of the increase in obesity and related health problems these days comes less from our lack of activity than the artificial nature of our diets. I gave up high-fructose corn syrup a while back, and I was amazed at how different I felt and how much less I craved sweets. And this Thanksgiving we ate an organic, free-range turkey instead of getting a frozen bird from the grocery store. It was the best tasting turkey I've ever eaten in my life. It might cost a little more to get good quality groceries instead of the cheapo regular stuff, but it can't cost as much as eating out every day.

A stumped blogger's breakfast

It's been a good long while since I posted a Plinky answer, but I thought maybe it was time to do so again. After all, not only am I kind of bored this morning, but I've also been suffering from blogger's block and that's what Plinky is supposed to help.

It's not so much that I don't have anything to say, I just can't seem to get my thoughts to gel. After all, it's a new year. It's a new decade (in the culturally accepted way, not mathematically, but whatever). There's all sorts of stuff going through my head about all the shit that's gone on in the past ten years both globally and personally and all the things I anticipate, hope, fear, etc for the next ten years. But for some reason I just can't get it to come out in any coherent form.

So instead of talking about change and self-reflection and such, I'll just follow Plinky's lead and talk about the components of my ideal breakfast:

Scrambled eggs

I've been doing this whole healthier eating thing since mid-May, and the one thing I learned early on about my "natural" eating habits is that I don't tend to eat enough protein. It's not really because I don't like protein -- I'm a committed omnivore who prefers her steaks bleeding, her peanuts spicy, and most of her meals to be accompanied by a big glass of milk -- but just because I tend to eat on the run and it's much easier to find quick food heavy in carbs and fat. Given the time to sit down for a real breakfast, though, I'd probably have eggs every day. And no, that's not bad for my diet.

Oatmeal with honey

Actually, I like grits with butter even better than oatmeal with honey, but the oatmeal is lower in fat and higher in fiber, and honey is like a miracle food. Plus, oatmeal comes in those handy instant packets, and you have to measure out grits to cook them. I'm all about easy.

Coffee

Every meal has to include coffee. Period.

40 pounds!

Yep, I've officially lost 40 pounds now. Only 90 more to go!

I'm still wearing my size 20 jeans only because I don't have any 18s left in my closet -- it might have been a bit short-sighted of me to get rid of them all. I don't really have the money to go buy new jeans at the moment, but I won't worry too much about it. That's what belts and sewing machines are for, right?

My next small goal is to lose 10 more pounds before my birthday/Halloween. Mostly because I don't want to look too fat in my Jem costume. I don't want it to look like I ate the Holograms.

Fat Girl Trains For a Marathon!

I know I've mentioned it before, but I figured that since I haven't had a hell of a lot else to blog about recently, and considering that this whole weight loss and fitness thing has become the main focus in my life recently, I might as well make it the focus of my blog for a while.

The idea to walk a marathon wasn't mine. It was suggested by a couple of the girls on the nin.com forums, and although their idea was to do a half marathon, I'm one of those people who always shoots slightly beyond what most people would consider a reasonable goal. And when they said "maybe we should get together for a marathon" I assumed we were all thinking about the whole 26.2 miles.

So I did a little research, and found marathonwalking.com. The more I read, the more reasonable it seemed to expect to get my flabby 235-pound ass in good enough shape to walk 26.2 miles by the end of February.

You may wonder why not a 5k? Or a 10k? Or at least a half marathon? Why jump all the way to the whole damn marathon?

Well, I already knew that I could walk 3 miles at a time, no sweat. Last summer I got into the habit of walking back and forth from Fashioned By Jaye to the convenience store, which is 3 miles round trip. And a 5k is 3.1 miles. So that wouldn't really be much of a challenge unless I went for speed. And a 10k? I actually did one of those in college with no prior training and came through just fine. Not to mention, it's not like I never had a reason to walk the 3 mile trip to and from the convenience store twice in the same day. So neither of those seem very epic to me. I may weigh well over 200 pounds, but I'm not incapable of sustained movement. I just figured that if the beginner marathon training plan takes six months and I have seven months, why stop at a half marathon?

There's a park in the area that we've previously used for fitness walking that has a nicely paved 1.5 mile trail, conveniently marked off in 1/4 mile increments, so that seemed the logical place to start training. If you go in the direction they recommend (as indicated by the sign marked "start" with an arrow), you get one fairly steep hill to climb right before the first 1/4 mile marker, one very short but very steep incline right before the trail comes back around to the starting point, and the rest is nearly flat.

(Yes, I can hear all of you math geeks out there -- the rest of the trail averages a slight downward slope, because since the circuit is continuous the total elevation change has to equal zero. Duh. Doesn't feel that way when you walk it, though.)

A lot of people walk it in the "easy" direction, but I decided not to. If I'm going to really commit to training, I shouldn't look for the easy way. I better learn to climb the hills.

So, I planned out my training schedule (rounding all the distances to 1.5 mile increments so I could do whole laps) and gathered the best gear I have. I have a pair of walking shoes, but not good-quality, properly fitted ones. I don't have a stopwatch, so I time my laps on my cell phone (not like it's not a good idea to keep my phone on me anyway, since I do sometimes walk alone after dark). I pawned my own iPod a while back in a fit of financial panic, so I have to borrow Kourt's. And cell phone + iPod + car keys + large water bottle = need to have some way to carry it all. So I've been using a little sling purse so I don't have to juggle it all -- the big pocket holds the water bottle, and the iPod slips into the small pocket on the front. It's not the best solution (especially since with a full water bottle the strap gets a little uncomfortable), but it's what works for now.

I've now been following my training regimen for four and a half weeks. I'm another 9 pounds down since I started, and I'm up to 6 mile long walks. In a couple of weeks it will jump up to 9 miles. Pretty soon I'm going to have to invest in some better gear -- a better solution for holding water, good quality shoes, and some good non-cotton socks.

The one big problem? My feet FUCKING HURT!

They hurt before I started this whole thing -- I spend all my time at the convenience store on my feet, and at my weight that means foot pain no matter how much cushion I put in my shoes. In fact, I'm fairly sure I now have plantar fasciitis. Plus, my ankles aren't super strong due to a lot of things, not the least of which was all the abuse they took when I was a cheerleader in high school. Add to that the fact that my shoes aren't really up to par, and the training walks aren't exactly helping my feet out any. They feel fine while I'm walking, but after I get done and the muscles tighten up it's hell. I've started wearing ankle braces at work and during my walks since that seems to help some, and there are some exercises and stretches to do for both ankle strength and the plantar fasciitis, but mostly I think I'm going to have to get some good shoes and keep losing weight. They say every pound you lose takes 4 pounds of pressure off your knees, and that can't be too much different than for your feet and ankles. Better to get it under control now while I'm walking fairly short distances so I'm not in agony when I increase my mileage.

Overall, though, I'm feeling really good about the whole process. My speed is getting better, and even the 6 mile walks are pretty easy. The first time I had to walk 6 miles it totally wiped me out, but last Saturday I worked my store all afternoon, came home and changed, did my 6 mile walk, came home and showered, and then worked a whole shift at the convenience store without either falling asleep or being stiff and sore all night!

And the diet goes on...

Yep, still at it. 24 pounds down so far, and no huge bumps in the road. I did have a little bit of a setback with the sorority convention. Disney can bite me. No internet access or gym use without paying more than I was willing or able to shell out, and eating what they served us sent me way over my daily allowance. I gained three or four pounds back that weekend, but it's since come off again and I'm back on track.

The big news is that I've decided to train to walk a marathon. It wasn't my idea, but a couple of the girls from the nin forum weight loss group suggested we all get together for a marathon and after a little research I decided it would be a reasonable goal. And not the half-marathon, either. The whole 26.2 miles.

We've set our sites on New Orleans in February. I'm just finishing up my third week of training: three short walks during the week and a long walk on the weekend. So far, the short walks have been 3-4.5 miles, and the long walks have topped out at 6.

The first week fucking killed me. I walked the first three mile walk with Kourt -- not really pushing myself as hard as I could so I didn't leave her in the dust. My usual walking pace is just about 3 miles/hour (20 minutes for a mile, if the math is too hard for ya.) But I wanted to see how fast I could walk if I pushed hard, so the last mile I did in about 16 minutes.

The next morning I was really, really sore. But I didn't want my training schedule to get derailed just one day in. So I headed out for the second day and did the three miles at as fast a pace as my sore, fat legs would manage. I was totally exhausted, and I still had to go to work that night. By morning I wanted nothing more than to just go to bed and sleep off some of the soreness, but stupid me had picked up an afternoon shift at another store to get in some extra hours, so I barely got any sleep before having to stand at a cash register for yet another shift. I hurt so bad by that night that Kourt and I opted for a nice, leisurely 3-mile stroll at something like 3.5 miles/hour.

I started to wonder if I'd make it through even one week of the training program.

But by the weekend I had recovered, and did my 4.5 mile long walk with no trouble at all.

Since then it's gone well, except for last week's poorly-scheduled 6 mile long walk, which ended up getting pushed to Monday morning because of other conflicts. For some reason I thought 8:30 am would still give me pleasant temperatures to walk in. By the time I started mile number 4, the sun was pretty high in the sky, and the temperature was in the high 70s.

Oh, and I'd only brought one large bottle of water with me.

I don't get along well at all with sunlight. Or heat. The first three miles were cake, the last three were hell. But slight sunburn, borderline heat stroke, and very tired muscles didn't kill me, thanks to a quickly-administered bottle of gatorade and a few hours in the air conditioning.

So, anyway, so far so good, and I'm enjoying watching my measurements drop as I get toned up. Just 11 more pounds before I really start celebrating, 'cause that'll put me back at the weight I was before I opened the store.

Weight Loss Update -- One Week on SparkPeople.com

When I started trying to lose weight a few weeks ago, my only real intent was to lose as much as I could for the sorority convention, but I want more than that. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to NOT repeat my past dieting habits because they've ultimately led me to over 250 pounds. If I can lose ten pounds or twenty pounds, there's no reason I can't lose all of my excess weight, daunting a number as that may be.

So about a week ago I finally took the advice of a good friend who has lost over a hundred pounds. She should know how to do this, right? So I joined SparkPeople.com. I was slightly skeptical, and certainly not convinced I needed to get addicted to a new website, but it was a good way to get a NIN fan weight loss team going, and the more I poked around the better it looked.

My diet strategy immediately changed. It's amazing what a little food-tracking can do for your diet outlook. I've sort of tracked my intake before, but this is better. Counting points or carbs or whatnot is easy, but it also makes it easy to work around the system. You can't argue with straight up calorie and nutrient counts, and the only way to make it look better than it is in reality is to flat out lie.

I've learned quickly that it's pretty easy to blow through the allowance for the day, and that my instincts on what's going to be a good balance often aren't so great. Like last Friday, when I went WAY over on fat and under on carbs, even though I thought I'd done really good with my lunch salad and egg-and-toast dinner. But I totally blew my fat and calories by putting too much butter on the toast and the dinner roll that came with the salad, and by drinking full-fat chocolate milk at breakfast instead of skim. Three little changes, and I'd have been able to have a healthy, carb-rich snack after dinner and been in the right range on everything. Oops.

And I've learned not to let myself consume calories while distracted. Wednesday morning I mixed up a bottle full (3 cups) of cranberry juice from concentrate, but before I could pour out just one serving into a cup the phone rang, and while I was caught up in conversation with a friend I hadn't talked to in FOREVER I ended up sipping twice that much straight out of the bottle. My carb allowance was gone far too fast, and my snacks at the convenience store that night had to consist of 2 oz of beef jerky, 2 boiled eggs, and a protein drink just to bring everything else up into balance. 2 oz of beef jerky is a hell of a lot of beef jerky. Gah.

I've also realized that this myth I've believed about myself -- that the reason I don't lose weight is partly because I don't eat enough -- isn't true. At all. I've been consuming far too many calories for far too long. It's amazing how many calories are in most of the things I'm in the habit of eating.

Anyway, I guess the best part of SparkPeople.com is that if you actually use the resources there, it forces some honesty about exactly what you're doing to your body. And I'd say for most of us the honest truth isn't pretty.

Mooo!

I've always been overweight. Even as a cheerleader in high school, at 155-160 pounds I was the "fat" cheerleader. Because I was bigger than everyone else, I was always the go-to girl for lifting and throwing everyone else. It bothered me, but not enough to make serious moves to change it. I would diet now and then, lose ten pounds, and before long the ten would be back. The only time I was very successful at weight loss was my senior year when I started an after-school job as a telemarketer. I also happened to have a trial membership at a 24-hour fitness center, so after being hung up on and yelled at for five hours a night I'd hit the treadmill and work out my frustrations. I don't remember how much I lost, but I remember feeling really good about the fact that I not only fit into smaller jeans but also became strong enough to do a really good toe touch.

Then I went to college. I wanted to try out for the squad there, but when the coach announced in the informational meeting that she was glad all the girls there were thin because she'd just ordered new traveling sweats and they were all size medium, I knew I wasn't going to make it. So there went my daily practices and games, and instead I spent time studying and chugging down Mountain Dew. Oh, and working my work study job at the cafeteria bakery, which didn't help at all. I didn't gain the freshman fifteen. I gained the freshman forty. By the end of the first semester, none of the clothes I'd moved in with fit anymore. Still, I was just barely in the "normal people size" range, so I didn't try very hard to lose any of the weight.

Every year it seemed another five pounds snuck on. By the time I graduated I was about 210 or 220. Now and then, just like I'd always done in the past, I'd try a diet and lose ten pounds, hit a plateau, and give it up. In 2002 I did the low carb diet thing and dropped a quick 20 pounds. But again, I stalled out for a week or two and gave it up. I didn't gain it all back right away, but eventually I just stopped paying attention and there it was again.

A couple of years later I tried again, more sensibly, and did the same exact thing all over again. 20 pounds gone fairly quickly, then a couple of weeks of no loss at all, and before long my diet had gone right back to what I'd always eaten and the weight was back.

Then I opened my business in 2006, and for the last three years I've done very little in the way of taking care of myself, or even paying much attention. I stopped wearing makeup, even, because with two jobs and a zillion places to be I just didn't have the time or energy to care anymore. I've worn pretty much nothing but baggy jeans and t-shirts and hoodies, none of which are good about letting you know that you're slowly expanding.

Through all of this, though, I've recognized something very strange about myself. When I was 155 in high school, even though I knew I was technically overweight, when I looked in the mirror I didn't see a fat body. Even up until a few weeks ago when I tipped the scales at 255, what I saw in the mirror was not an obese person. I've never had that part of my brain that looks in the mirror and sees a reflection that's worse than reality. I always see better. And it's not until I see a picture of myself that I see the awful truth (and wonder if that's really what everyone sees or if the camera just caught my "bad side").

Or, I suppose, until I reach 255 pounds and stand in front of a 3-way dressing room mirror in a little black dress that just cannot cover up the reality of how much weight I've gained.

I've spent twenty years believing that I would always look like I weighed less than I really do. I've spent twenty years halfheartedly attempting to diet and never getting past the 20 pound mark. Except now I DON'T look like I weigh less than I do, and 20 pounds isn't going to cut it. But it ends now. It has to, because I know that if it doesn't I'll soon find myself at 300, and I can't even imagine letting myself get there. But I know that three years ago I couldn't imagine letting myself hit 250, and yet here I am.

This time, I'm not going to let the 20-pound curse stop me. I know it can be done, and there's no reason I can't be successful at it. It's been my own lack of real motivation that's allowed me to get off the wagon before, but this time around I finally understand how you have to feel for this to work. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm uncomfortable with how I look and how I feel. I honestly would rather give up all my favorite foods forever than look like this for the rest of my life.

It's great to feel comfortable in your body no matter how much you weigh or what you look like, but I think as a society we've gone too far with the attempts to boost the esteem of the overweight and obese. You can dissect all the reasons we overeat, but you can't argue the fact that those of us who are overweight are overweight because we eat more than our activity level will burn off. Period. It's that fucking simple. I'm fat because I eat too much and I'm not active enough. And you can tell me I'm beautiful all you want, but it doesn't negate the fact that this is not the way my body is supposed to function. My feet hurt. My knees hurt. If I drop something and I have to lean over in my chair to pick it up off the floor, I have to hold my breath. I'm pushing the weight limit of just about every piece of home fitness equipment you can buy, and when you're too heavy to even be able to safely operate the only fucking eliptical machines you can actually afford to buy, you know you need to do something.

But most of all I'm tired of being the fat girl. I'm tired of standing behind everyone in pictures so you can't see most of me, and trying to figure out the perfect way to hold my head for photos so I don't have a double chin. I hate the fact that in the picture Rob took of us with NIN at the KC show I look like a fucking cow next to Trent. One of the coolest memories of my life, and the souvenir of it shows me at my absolute fattest.

So I'm done. No food in this whole world is worth all of this.