20 Things I Learned in France

Back in 1997 I spent six weeks in France with one of my architecture classes. Here are a few things I learned:

1. If you want to get hit on by weird foreign guys, the easiest way to get attention is to sit down with a sketch pad and start drawing. You'll end up with more phone numbers than sketches.

2. Nothing tests your mastery of a foreign language like trying to talk your way out of an encounter with a creepy foreign guy intent on taking you out for coffee.

3. The French are great with food. The French are not great with Mexican food. French bartenders are also unclear on what goes into a margarita.

4. Duck pate is fabulous, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

5. Being able to lounge in the sun on the beach in Calais in June might seem like a sure thing, but it's also possible to find that the expensive bathing suit you purchased in Paris two weeks prior was totally unnecessary given the windy 40 degree weather on the beach the one weekend you're there.

6. If you get the chance to run naked into the freezing cold waters of the English Channel in the dead of night, go for it. You'll regret passing up the chance and being the chicken who held the clothes.

7. 284 steps sounds like a lot of stairs to climb. It feels like more.

8. When a group of drunk French college students and a group of drunk American college students try to teach each other good drinking games, everyone ends up way too drunk and nobody really learns anything.

9. Late night American TV means lots of infomercials. Late night French TV means lots of soft core porn. Or maybe we just stayed in the wrong kinds of hotels.

10. No matter how much you study a language, there's a good chance you'll not be familiar with the words necessary to ask for something you really need.

11. That will also be the one time you forget to bring your French-English dictionary with you.

12. Padlocking the zippers of your backpack together might look silly, but he who laughs at you will be the first to have his passport stolen.

13. Signs warning you to keep off the grass also mean don't play hacky sack in close proximity to the grass.

14. If you pack art supplies in your luggage for a long flight, make sure they're extremely secure. The last thing you want to spend your first day in Paris doing is trying to scrub conte crayon out of your clothes.

15. Looking for extra excitement while traveling abroad? Bring along a 3-year-old.

16. Walking a lot only leads to losing weight if you don't simultaneously gorge yourself on pastries and wine.

17. Watch out for air bubbles lurking in the melted butter underneath your escargot. They will explode in your face at the slightest provocation. Strangers will laugh at you.

18. She who turns her nose up at being served a big slice of Bambi is likely to find that the dinner she gets instead is a big slice of Thumper. Both are delicious.

19. It doesn't matter how nice the boat is, it will never make up for finding out that the hovercraft you bought tickets for is out of service for the day.

20. Cats can, indeed, be leash trained, and it's adorable.

A-Ha!

2011: Here's to more of the same!

Well, happy 2011, everybody! Happily, I'm not having to clean up after any parties, and the very minor hangover I had this morning is long gone. We've already been grocery shopping and had lunch with my family. I went out today and picked up a book I've been meaning to read (A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking) and got a new juicer. So far, the year is off to a good start.

I'm going to start with a good ol' detox diet (thus the juicer) because I've been feeling pretty, well, bloated. I don't think I've gained a significant amount of weight back this year judging from the fact that I can still zip my smallest jeans, but they're tighter than they used to be and I know I've relapsed on some bad habits. I do not need to be eating Little Debbie snack cakes. Ever. So I'm going to take a few days to clean up my act, and then get back on a sensible eating regimen.

I also think it's time to finally do the one thing I've been putting off. Quitting smoking. It's not so much a New Year's resolution. I've just recently come to the decision that it's really time, and it just happens to coincide with the new year.

And, although I know I've been talking about this for well over a year now and had plans fall through twice, I will walk a marathon this year. I will. I don't care if I have to do it alone, although with my sister home from the Middle East I finally have somebody to train and plan with.

Otherwise, though, I refuse to make plans for 2011. I'm not setting a bunch of goals or making a list of things I hope will happen. I'm looking forward to seeing Does It Offend You, Yeah? open for Linkin Park at the end of the month. I'm looking forward to doing more cooking, planting another garden this spring, and having a long, caffeinated relationship with my Keurig. Basically, I'm looking forward to another year of simply living day to day and enjoying it.

Ten miscellaneous brilliant ideas, suggestions, hopes, and random thoughts for the new decade:

Okay, maybe some of them aren't exactly brilliant, but whatever.

1. While we're freaking out about climate change and attempting to make more environmentally responsible decisions, wouldn't it also be smart to start thinking ahead to how we're going to live with the probably inevitable consequences? Like not building or buying more real estate in coastal areas that are likely to be underwater if the oceans rise a foot or two. Even starting to relocate inland while there are still a crap ton of cheap houses to buy so that when the water does start to rise we don't end up with a zillion climate change refugees who expect the rest of the world to foot the bill for their lack of forethought.

2. This one isn't mine, of course, but how 'bout everyone commit to wearing their pants with the waistbands where they belong?

3. Selecting and supporting a political candidate, issue, or party should not even slightly resemble deciding whether you're Team Edward or Team Jacob. Seriously, people. It's the government, not a fucking fan club.

4. While we're at it, no more Twilight. We'd all be better off.

5. More NIN music. Less people whining, bitching, and complaining about NIN.

6. As much as the recession sucks, isn't it a prime opportunity to restructure your life so that when the economy does recover you're in a good position to profit from it? You know, accept the consequences now and take it like grown-ups. Face it, even when the economy recovers, it won't be like it was a few years ago. The rules will have completely changed. Might as well get used to it now.

7. By the end of the decade, I'll be almost 45. I resolve right now not to be a bitter hag of a 45-year-old. The world changes. No generation has ever succeeded in bitching and moaning enough to make the world revert to some earlier state in history that they decided was "better," and neither will ours. Besides, humans have an uncanny tendency to view the past with rose-tinted glasses, even when the past was shitty.

8. Since we're in the midst of a period where technology is advancing at unprecedented speed (Moore's Law FTW!) and we're becoming socially dependent on stuff like smart phones, I think it's time for somebody to throw my little software idea into the mix: There should be a small device (something small enough to place in a piece of jewelry or whatnot) that, when discretely activated, would call your cell phone and fake an important phone call so you could get out of awkward situations, boring conversations, etc at will.

9. I kind of hope something weird happens on December 21, 2012. Nothing catastrophic or anything, just something that will make everyone stop and think.

10. If Nickelback is still recording in ten year's time, there will officially be no hope for humanity.

oh my god, shoes

I'm not exactly a shoe fanatic. I get the appeal of shoes, and maybe if I had enough income to warrant blowing a large chunk of it on footwear I'd have a closet full. Maybe. As of now not only would I much rather spend my extra cash on other things, but I don't have the necessary closet space to fill with rarely-worn shoes.

I used to have a compulsion to collect things. Not so much shoes (although I did have a pretty good collection of chunky-heeled boots and dress shoes back when I was in Chicago) but just... stuff. Toys that reminded me of my childhood but that I never played with, random kitchen gadgets I rarely used, more stuff to tack onto my walls than I had wall space for, movies I rarely watched... I can't even begin to estimate how much money I've wasted over the years on junk I didn't really use or even enjoy. I think I really just bought most of that stuff to make myself feel good about being able to spend the money.

These days I'm embracing a much more pragmatic approach when it comes to acquiring stuff. When I need it, I'll get it. If I find myself unable to find appropriate footwear in my closet for a certain event I'll go buy some. Until then, there's no need. Thus why I basically only wear three pairs of shoes on a regular basis.

My work shoes

They're red. They're cheap. They're ugly. But they feel like a cushy pair of house slippers. They're as close to the feeling of walking barefoot as I can get at work.

My walking shoes

Actually, they're running shoes. But I walk in them. I've put my hardcore marathon training on temporary hold, but it really is important to have the proper footwear for fitness purposes. If your feet aren't happy, you're fucked.

My black patent leather Docs

Black. Patent. Leather. Doc. Martens.

I can't imagine I have to explain why they're awesome.

Anyway, It took me a long time to understand that it's more satisfying to have the ability to buy things I really need/want because I didn't blow all my cash on frivolous junk I thought I wanted at the moment. I tried it the other way for a long time and it's infinitely frustrating to realize that all the things you accumulated in fits of pointless retail therapy don't compensate for the fact that something you suddenly need or really, really legitimately want is out of your financial reach as a result.

It's sad that it's taken me until the age of 34 to figure this out, but one of the biggest keys to happiness in life is setting your priorities and figuring out what it is you really, really want most. It's also taken me until the age of 34 to realize that the answer to that question isn't as obvious as it seems it should be.

I'm still trying to sort out what it is I want most. But when I finally figure it out...

"I'm going to get what I want!"

Hibernation

Cosy

I think the animal kingdom has the right idea. When it starts turning colder it's time to fatten yourself up and sleep through the freezing temperatures. Or head for warmer climates, I suppose. Personally, though, I prefer the idea of hibernation.

Not that I don't like winter. I prefer it to summer. It's more fun to dress for cold weather -- hoodies and jackets and boots and scarves and putting layers over layers... You can use your entire wardrobe in the winter, but you can't comfortably use your winter clothes in the dead of summer. And all the good holidays happen during the colder half of the year.

And there aren't many things that feel as good as lying in bed in a slighly chilly room, cocooned in blankets.

How much mentally healthier would we be if we all spent more of our time during the winter just resting ourselves? After all, the nights are longer. The nasty weather makes travel more dangerous. It only makes sense to take advantage of the opportunity to shut out the world and commune with our mattresses.

Lakefront memories... (and I swear I won't post any more Plinky crap today after this!)

Today's Plinky prompt: What's your favorite beach or lakeshore?

I'm not much of a beach person. The sun and I have a hate/hate relationship. My friends and family use me as a comparative when talking about other people who have pale skin. If I had a nickel for every time I heard the phrase "almost as pale as you," I'd probably be able to buy a new computer. Not that I'm complaining. I mean, I used to hate it, but then the whole goth thing became cool and strangers stopped commenting on my apparent lack of sun exposure.

Anyway, the idea of spending time on a beach doesn't really appeal to me. In general, I'm not much of a nature person. I like nature, I'm all for preserving nature, but I don't want to spend a lot of time out in it. And I love swimming, but I'd prefer not to share the water with non-human swimming companions or have to walk on rocks while doing so.

That said, my favorite beach or lakeshore would have to be the shores of Lake Michigan in Chicago. In the three years I lived in Chicago, I think I only visited the beach twice. The first was for a corporate beach volleyball tournament. The one game we played was pretty fun. Okay, so we didn't "play" so much as "lose quickly so we could get to the bar for the afterparty before all the other losers ate the free appetizers," but it was still fun.

The second time was when some friends from college came to visit. We'd gone to the Lincoln Park Zoo one afternoon, and as we were wandering around we kept seeing people come up over the hill with beach stuff. My old roommate asked if there was a pool or something nearby, and couldn't believe that there was an actual sandy beach that far north (she's from Texas). So we left the zoo for a stroll on the beach to prove that it actually existed. It was May. The weather was beautifully warm. The water was fucking freezing.

There was the time that the company I worked for had a dinner cruise for its Christmas party. The boat cruised along the shore for a couple of hours while we had dinner and got drunk at the open bar. I think I had five cosmos. I don't remember much about the cruise.

I may not miss hanging out on the beach, but I do miss living near it. I liked having a view of the lake from the roof deck of my apartment. I loved having the lake breeze blowing through my apartment in the summer. I missed going to Navy Pier with visiting guests. If I still lived there, I'd totally take advantage of the miles of paved trail along the beach for my fitness walks.

But you'd never catch me laying out on the sand.

"Actually, I had another thing planned for that night and I... Oh, there's going to be food? I'll be there with bells on!"

I'm a pro at saying no.

I grew up in a family full of people who suck at it. They don't want to offend, inconvenience, or disappoint anyone. Instead they frustrate, inconvenience, and deprive themselves. I've watched people around them continue to take advantage, ultimately resulting in all sorts of weird frenemy-type relationships that aren't satisfactory to anyone.

So I resolved a long time ago to stay the hell out of that kind of cycle. If the benefits of saying yes to someone or something don't outweigh the negatives, forget it. No regrets.

So what can't I say no to?

Free food.

I used to be a sucker for free shit of all types. If somebody offered it, I would take it in hopes that I might someday be able to use it. But I got over that pretty quick after having to move a few times (once with no help). Nothing makes you evaluate your attachment to your possessions like being faced with the task of physically carrying them from place to place. I still collect far too much stuff in the hopes that it'll be useful in an art project some day, but otherwise I'm getting a lot better at paring down how much clutter I accumulate.

But food? Diet aside, how the hell can you turn down free food? Even if I'm not real keen on spending a meal with somebody, I'll make an exception if it means not having to spend money on food. It doesn't matter how annoyed I am at my parents or what they're serving, if they offer to feed me I'm there.

If I find out-of-date food at work that's going to be thrown out, I'll bring it home. It's not like food magically goes rancid the day after the date on the package.

But hey, what could possibly be wrong with being a food mooch? It's not like I show up on anyone's doorstep begging for a meal. Okay, sometimes at my parents' house I do.

I resolve to shop more this year!

I slept all evening yesterday, and now I'm not tired enough to sleep. I was going to be productive and work on my taxes, but then I realized that by closing my business bank account I made it impossible to retrieve my electronic statements online. Oops. They're going to email them to me, but it'll take a few days.

I can't clean because everyone else in the house is asleep, so I have to be relatively quiet. And I can't run errands because nothing is open.

So I'm going to bug the hell out of anyone who might be awake and paying attention by posting a crap ton of Plinky answers! Yay!!

Where do I resolve to go more this year?

The grocery store.

Kourt and I have a really bad habit of eating out ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Quick drive thru snacks, late night breakfasts at Ziggies or Waffle House, the once or twice a week sit-down dinners, and the more-often-than-we-should trips for sushi. Beyond that, I have an even worse habit of eating food from the convenience store while I'm at work, and you know gas stations are short on healthy and even shorter on affordable healthy.

I like to cook, but I hate to cook in our kitchen. We know it's cheaper and healthier, but it's not as convenient. Not by a long shot. But this year is going to be all about concentrating on more long-term goals like saving for a house and getting to my weight goal.

So I'm determined to actually make use of our kitchen by eating mostly at home. I'm going to take my meals with me to work, keep the cupboards stocked, and cook meals in bulk on my days off so we have easy solutions ready in the house when we get hungry.

Plus, I want to start buying more organic and whole foods. I truly think that the root of the increase in obesity and related health problems these days comes less from our lack of activity than the artificial nature of our diets. I gave up high-fructose corn syrup a while back, and I was amazed at how different I felt and how much less I craved sweets. And this Thanksgiving we ate an organic, free-range turkey instead of getting a frozen bird from the grocery store. It was the best tasting turkey I've ever eaten in my life. It might cost a little more to get good quality groceries instead of the cheapo regular stuff, but it can't cost as much as eating out every day.

I'm not an attention whore, but I'm not going to sit on the sidelines

As I said in my last post, I've spent a lot of time lately (as in the past couple of years) thinking about the world, my life, and what's important to me. I reached a point a while back where I realized that I seemed to be constantly sabotaging myself and keeping myself from achieving the things I thought I wanted most. It's been a long, strange trip through my psyche ever since. I'm certainly not finished with that trip, but I'm at a point where I feel like I've learned a thing or two, and the changing of a decade seems an appropriate time to put a few observations down in words.

Anyway, I turned to Plinky in the hopes that among the inane suggestions for blog topics something might pop up that might prompt some of my jumbled thoughts to congeal into something relevant. Breakfast? Not so much.

Today's prompt? Better. Would I rather see or be seen? Am I an observer or an attention-getter?

Let's take a trip down memory lane...

Like pretty much every other kid/teen in the world, when I was younger there was nothing I wanted more than positive attention. When it came to the adults in my life I knew exactly how to achieve that. It wasn't complicated. They didn't play games. It wasn't a competition.

With my peers it was a lot more complicated.

It's not that I wanted to be super popular. There had been a time in elementary school when I had felt like I fit in. I was always a little shy, always a big nerd, and never had the most fashionable clothes or most popular toys, yet I wasn't excluded from the social scene.

And then my parents decided to put us in a different school. Suddenly the things I'd been raised to be proud of were a source of ridicule. I simply didn't fit in at the new school. I didn't dress right, didn't listen to the right music, didn't play the same games on the playground, didn't share the same interests with everyone else. I'd never had to work that hard to fit in, and I didn't know where to even start. And suddenly, every bit of social confidence I'd ever had was gone. Since I didn't know how to fit in, I stuck with what I did know: making adults happy. At the time I thought I was being pragmatic -- I figured that succeeding at my goals in life would hinge more on my achievements than my social success.

The bad thing is that, over time, I developed this belief that adults treated me differently than my peers because adults valued different things than teens. I really believed that once I got out of my teenage years that the social rules would change, and I couldn't wait.

It didn't take very long before I started to realize I was wrong. As I passed from high school into college and then into the work force I realized that adults act just the same as teens -- petty, jealous, vindictive, judgmental -- only they're sneakier and quieter about it. It's all the same pack mentality and clique behavior as in high school, but with a thin veneer of maturity. This time the problem was that, although I knew how to gain the praise of those around me, I was tired of doing it. I was bored with it. It didn't make me happy.

So I stopped.

I lost my job in 2002. It was my own fault, but I didn't expect it to happen. And I guess it left me not knowing who I was anymore. My identity had been wrapped up for so long in being the girl who excelled at stuff, and now that I'd failed at that I was left just... floating. I started to feel the same way in the "real world" as I'd felt in my teenage years, so I started avoiding attention. I told myself that it was because I wanted to excel on my own terms, but it was really because I was hiding. Pretty soon I was subconsciously keeping myself from really achieving anything significant because I didn't like the feeling of having people looking at me. As much as I wanted to succeed at projects or endeavors, my subconscious fear of exposing myself to the potential of having all of my mistakes and failures poked at was a far more powerful force.

It seems to me that there are two reasons for wanting attention. One is to compensate for insecurities, needing the validation from others to build the self-worth you don't otherwise feel. That's where I was as a kid. The problem is, though, that you then get caught in a cycle of trying to do what everyone else wants in order to maintain their approval.

It's only been recently that I finally realized that being an attention-getter also has a positive purpose. In the years of trying to achieve my goals while avoiding the attention of others, I realized that it's almost impossible to get where you want to go completely on your own. I might not want everyone's attention, but I won't accomplish my goals without the recognition, validation, and ultimately the help of certain people.

I was on the right track as a kid, realizing that there were some people who's approval and attention carried more value than others. What I didn't realize then was that it's all the same game. As much as most of us don't like it, the truth is that we exist in hierarchies. If one wants to move up and get ahead, you have to get the attention of certain players in the game. It's not a bad thing, it's just how the world works.

So, now, I'd have to say I'd rather be seen. I just want to be seen for who I really am and what I can do. I want the attention of those I respect, those I love, and those who can help me get to where I want to go. Otherwise? I'm over it.

A stumped blogger's breakfast

It's been a good long while since I posted a Plinky answer, but I thought maybe it was time to do so again. After all, not only am I kind of bored this morning, but I've also been suffering from blogger's block and that's what Plinky is supposed to help.

It's not so much that I don't have anything to say, I just can't seem to get my thoughts to gel. After all, it's a new year. It's a new decade (in the culturally accepted way, not mathematically, but whatever). There's all sorts of stuff going through my head about all the shit that's gone on in the past ten years both globally and personally and all the things I anticipate, hope, fear, etc for the next ten years. But for some reason I just can't get it to come out in any coherent form.

So instead of talking about change and self-reflection and such, I'll just follow Plinky's lead and talk about the components of my ideal breakfast:

Scrambled eggs

I've been doing this whole healthier eating thing since mid-May, and the one thing I learned early on about my "natural" eating habits is that I don't tend to eat enough protein. It's not really because I don't like protein -- I'm a committed omnivore who prefers her steaks bleeding, her peanuts spicy, and most of her meals to be accompanied by a big glass of milk -- but just because I tend to eat on the run and it's much easier to find quick food heavy in carbs and fat. Given the time to sit down for a real breakfast, though, I'd probably have eggs every day. And no, that's not bad for my diet.

Oatmeal with honey

Actually, I like grits with butter even better than oatmeal with honey, but the oatmeal is lower in fat and higher in fiber, and honey is like a miracle food. Plus, oatmeal comes in those handy instant packets, and you have to measure out grits to cook them. I'm all about easy.

Coffee

Every meal has to include coffee. Period.

Yeah, I am on a diet now, thanks for remembering!

Damn you, Plinky, and your infernal Google maps!!!!!

Yes, I'm diving back in to Plinky again in hopes that I can get back into a groove. Today's topic? Best desserts.

Yeah, I am on a diet now, thanks for remembering!

Plinky, you sneaky little bastard...

Huh. Weird. I DO have some explaining to do. Plinky, you sneaky little bastard...

I've been absent from my blog. Blabsent? Abslog?

Oh, fuck it.

My last blog post probably gives you a pretty good idea why I've been shunning internet society for a while. I'm slowly feeling better about things. Still, though, my internet mojo (intermojo?) isn't back to full capacity yet. Almost. Well, getting there.

Anyway, since I'm reticent to start sharing a whole ton of over-thought emo musings on how bad life can suck ('cause I know you don't want me to do that to you), I figured I'd explain what I've been doing on my blogging break (blogreak? Okay, seriously, I'll stop now)...

1. I've managed to keep my bimbos alive and thriving. In fact Frenchie leveled up the other day. Now she has to become an architect, which she doesn't have the money for quite yet (she went on some shopping sprees) and which takes, like, a fucking month. I've got news for her, she'll probably get out of architecture school and go to work, find that sitting in a cubicle all day doing everyone else's work without getting any credit for it and not getting paid for the overtime she puts in sucks monkey balls, and then decide to try something else. I have a feeling, though, that the next step on the bimbo career ladder doesn't include waiting tables and tending bar for four years before starting up a boutique and failing at it. That's probably because the programmers who created the site would rather not bum everyone out.

British bimbo is still a couple of weeks away from her target level of Bimbo Attitude, so she's still stuck on level 18.

2. Playing games at iWon. My favorites are Collapse, Alphabugs, and Addiction Solitaire. They're a complete waste of time, and frankly I don't have much hope for ever winning anything there, but it's a great avoidance technique. Who has time to be all forlorn and depressed when your brainwaves are entirely consumed with puzzles?

3. Posting all over nin.com EXCEPT for in the Party Room. Evidently no matter how down I'm feeling, I never lose my desire to argue with people. I've been spending a lot of time posting in Politics and Current Events and checking out what's new and exciting to dump on in NIN Discussion and keeping tabs on the Shitlist. Oh, except when I drink a little it suddenly seems like a more fun activity. Yay, booze!

4. Occasional drinking. Not a lot, but the thought is more appealing lately.

5. Not going to the store much. When I do go, I certainly am not getting much done. Not anything much at all, really. Mostly I just sit there and do the above-mentioned activities in the store instead of at home. Except the drinking. I only do that at home.

I'm not about to believe that without Nirvana the prevalence of mall bangs would have done us in.

Those of us who lived through the 80s remember when everyone in the world was up in arms about the hole in the ozone layer and how we needed to stop using so much damn Aqua Net before we destroyed the planet.

Guess what? It's 2009, and it seems the problem was slightly overstated. Granted, the grunge era pretty much put an end to the stifling clouds of cheap aerosol hair spray, but I'm not about to believe that without Nirvana the prevalence of mall bangs would have done us in.

I wouldn't say that's the only reason I'm not just totally terrified by the panicked response to global warming, but that's part of it. Do I think we should be trying to do better as far as our negative impact on the world around us? Sure. Do I think using less fossil fuels is a good idea? Absolutely. Do I think the earth is going to be totally unlivable if we don't all change our light bulbs and buy hybrid cars? Eh.

In some ways, I'm a big recycler. I'm not so great about sorting my garbage and such, but I use a lot of materials in my art and craft projects that would otherwise be thrown out, like old magazines and aluminum cans. I support things like Freecycle(TM), because if we're concerned about filling up our landfills we should pay attention to how many large items we throw away that could be used by somebody else. I like to buy used stuff. It's got more character, first of all, and it's a lot more environmentally responsible to get all the use we can out of things we've already produced.

I try not to drive a lot. Even at the price gas is at now, it's kind of expensive to use my car all the time. Plus, it's not like I can't use some exercise. My two jobs are a half-hour walk apart, so when the weather is nice enough I take the opportunity to get in an hour of good exercise and quiet time, just me and my headphones. Honestly, I'm less concerned about how our dependence on oil effects the environment as I am about how it effects international politics and economics, and what we're going to do when we inevitably run out of feasible places to drill. I'd get a hybrid if I could afford to buy one, just for the fact that it would save money on gas. In fact, I wouldn't even own a car if I didn't have to. I liked not having one in Chicago. Buses and trains FTW!

I've switched to compact fluorescent bulbs, but only because I'm sick of changing light bulbs all the time. I figure if it's ultimately cheaper to buy a more expensive bulb that lasts longer and doesn't use as much power than to buy cheaper bulbs that have to be replaced all the time, there's no reason not to switch.

And honestly, I think that's pretty much how most people are. Don't scream about how we're all going to destroy the planet if we don't make changes. Just make it logical and economical to switch. I don't think there's anyone out there sitting in their huge houses with the sprinklers running 24/7, lights on in every room, air conditioning cranked down to 65, sixteen SUVs in the garage with their engines running, cackling with evil laughter at how they're going to bring on the end of humanity. It's just that humans are lazy and you have to make it easy and economically beneficial to do "the right thing."

Yep, that's right, I'm permanently on display in the bathroom.

If you ever find yourself in Poplar Bluff, Missouri looking for something to do, there's a little museum in an old house on, I believe, Main St. It's called the Margaret Harwell Art Museum. When you're done looking through the two floors of art, head down through the gift shop on the first floor and visit the restroom.

Yeah, I'm serious.

I've used the username "jayetheartist" on various websites in recent years, and it's not just something I thought sounded cool. Not only do I actually create artwork, I've also sold a fair amount of it over the years. A while back I even sold two pieces to the Margaret Harwell Art Museum for their permanent collection.

So after you've seen all the other exhibits and are using the restroom, just look up at the wall across from the toilet, and there you will find one of my works. Yep, that's right, I'm permanently on display in the bathroom.

Really, it's the most god-awful song ever to hit the airwaves.

THREE SONGS I WANT ERASED FROM MY MEMORY:

Sitting at a Bar by Rehab

I'm not the hugest country fan.

Okay, that's a severe understatement.

With very few exceptions, twangy music hits my ears like fingernails on a chalkboard. So that's strike one against this song.

Secondly, I've become quite picky in my old age about the message in a song's lyrics, and these are about as lame as they come.

Sitting at a Bar by Rehab

Really, it's the most god-awful song ever to hit the airwaves. And the fact that they play it on the radio station I listen to -- which is supposed to be playing ROCK music -- just pisses me off. You have never seen a convenience store clerk move as fast as I do when that song comes on, 'cause I don't even want to hear one note of it if I can avoid it.

Sitting at a Bar by Rehab

Seriously, it sucks.

Bad pics and mystery waves aside, I think I did okay.

The Plinky prompts have sucked ass for the past few days. I feel like they hit a high around the "zombie preparedness" prompt and then quickly rolled downhill. I didn't even bother with yesterday's. Not only was it lame, but I'm supposed to be busy with Art Walk preparations.

To be honest, I've been mostly busy with napping and fighting to stay awake between naps. That damn truck stop wore me the fuck out. It was definitely an interesting experience, though. They go through an awful lot of gravy:

Tonight I begin Week 2 of my Adventures in Corporate Mergers, and I'm more than ready for this all to be over. I miss my KG. I miss knowing exactly where everything is. I miss being all alone on my shifts. I miss the 3-minute commute. I miss knowing what the fuck I'm doing!

Anyway, between sleeping and almost sleeping, I've done a few productive things. I cut my hair on Sunday. It's been a very long time since I cut my own, but it was getting really long and unruly, and I've been griping about not having the time or money for a haircut for way too long now.

Before:

After:

What you can't tell in the pics is that it's really an asymmetrical bob. Or, well, it was when I cut it. Then I washed it again, and these waves appeared out of fucking nowhere. I really don't remember them being there the last time I had short hair. But whatever, bad pics and mystery waves aside, I think I did okay.

Anyway, I guess I should get back to my Art Walk preparations.

Oh, and the Plinky prompt for today? I get my news from nin.com.

My unreasonable demands:

Hot turkey sandwiches, minus the hot and the sandwiches
Consult Kourtnie's mother for the recipe.

A box of chardonnay
Brand may vary. Must be presented in a white-trash-appropriate manner.

Jugglers
So that when I'm severely annoyed I might pop one.

The constant presence of the Invisible Russian Mafia
Because I very well might be lying about the price of cigarillos. They should, however, leave their weapons outside.

Fog machine
Wait for it.

Cheese
For cleaning the kitchen.

Flan
It's my whole existence.

TEN BONUS POINTS IF THEY USED TO BE SOMEBODY YOU KNOW!!

I'm all for disaster readiness, and I do think zombie preparedness just doesn't get the attention it deserves. So what will I do when the zombies come?

First of all, I'm going to assume that we're talking about the slow, lumbering type of zombies and not the fast, terrifying kind, because I think fast zombies are just illogical. If you're basically dead flesh, you're not gonna be capable of sprinting, you know?

So first of all, the problem isn't that they're very smart or physically more capable than a living person. They're just numerous, unresting, and focused completely on one thing. Kinda like NIN fans. *rimshot*

My thinking, then, is that you basically just don't want to be noticed by the zombies at all. If they don't know you're around, you're probably good to go. They're running on rotting brain matter, so I'd imagine that a cunning hiding place would be your best bet. Even better if it's inaccessible by massive amounts of people, like something you'd have to climb a ladder in single file to get to.

Can zombies even climb ladders? I think not.

So I'd think some kind of house on stilts would be an ideal zombie-proof living arrangement. They would have to be some pretty sturdy stilts, since a hoard of zombies pushing on the structure is probably not something structural engineers generally design for. I certainly don't remember discussing zombie holocausts in any of my structures classes in architecture school. My instincts tell me, though, that concrete piles would likely work just fine.

I don't live, however, in an elevated domicile. My hiding place will have to be slightly easier than suddenly creating a new home out of thin air in a hurry. Chances are that the zombie hoards will remain a danger for a long period of time, so I'd have to have access to provisions. One would also assume that there would be some warning if a hoard of zombies was headed your way.

So here would be my plan:

As soon as I heard news reports of impending zombies, I'd gather up everything useful in my house. Items that can be used as weapons, non-perishable foodstuffs, changes of clothes, various toiletries, board games, scented candles, a few good novels, sex toys, spare batteries, a saucepan, a spatula, a coffee mug, a corkscrew, booze, black eyeliner, several pair of scissors, a teddy bear, incense, thumbtacks, toenail clippers... You get the idea.

Then I'd get in my car. There's no fucking way a zombie can outrun a car. Plus, I imagine there'd be something really satisfyingly gruesome about playing Zombie Pedestrian Polo. TEN BONUS POINTS IF THEY USED TO BE SOMEBODY YOU KNOW!! Let's see Mr. Zombie come after me with crushed legs! Ha!

Then I'd drive away from the zombies. Far away from the zombies. Once out of the zombie zone, I'd stop and pick up some food and such. Non-perishables, more toilet paper, bottled water, and a couple of books of sudoku puzzles. Stop and wash the zombie guts off my car. Fill the tank. Maybe grab a meal at a Waffle House. I do really love me some grits. With extra butter.

Anyway, once I had enough food and such stocked up in my car to last me for a bit, I'd find some off-the-beaten-path place to stay. The danger of zombies is their numbers, so I'd say as long as I stay away from most other humans I'll be okay. They'll be going after the most plentiful sources of flesh. Any single zombies that stray from the herd will be fairly easy to combat, and if nothing else I can just drive away. And while I'm living in my car waiting out the zombie migration, I can busy myself writing folk songs, just like Jewel used to do!

Once the zombies moved past, I'd go back home. I'm sure there would be a lot of zombie mess to clean up, but with the zombies doing their thing elsewhere, I'm sure I'd have time to bleach everything I ever owned, dig a large moat around the house, and then put up a razor wire fence.

I suppose I could just go ahead and dig that moat and put up the razor wire right now, except that it would take a lot of hassle with building permits and zoning disputes, not to mention the expense. Once the zombie hoards have decimated the area, I figure zombie-proofing won't be something I'd have to justify to Planning and Zoning, and I can probably just loot the necessary supplies from the nearest abandoned Home Depot.

Then, once the zombies are finally annihilated, the moat and fence will be useful for keeping my nosy neighbors, stray dogs, and Jehovah's Witnesses off my property. Yeah, let's see you try to tell me about Jesus now, fuckers!

And if all else fails, there's always the approach my brother and his friends took to combating zombies (my brother's the one defending his rose garden):

C'mon, Plinky, I know you can do better than this.

Today's Plinky = kinda dumb.

Nobody may care what I had for lunch, but I probably have more to say about that than I do about the difference between sexy and slutty.

C'mon, Plinky, I know you can do better than this.