Getting so close...

Went to talk to my future landlord yesterday and checked out progress on the building, and I should have my signature on a lease within a week. Might take another week after that before the occupancy permits are in place, but the lease is what I'm really anxious about. It's not like I think Bob is going to lease the place to somebody else at the last minute -- he's definitely taking a lot of care to get the building set up for me -- but it's not like I haven't had something like that happen to me before. I really want to go out and buy the lumber for the shelving and get all my permits and stuff right now, but I just can't bring myself to do it until it's official. I'm out of storage space anyway, but I also keep having flashbacks to that whole bullshit with that architecture firm in Chicago that led me on for months before telling me they weren't going to hire any new employees.

Anyway, I'm feeling the time crunch now. I ordered a bunch of promotional postcards with my target opening date on them, so I'm kinda committed to it. I could white the date out and change it, but that looks tacky and I really don't want to resort to that. They've only got some minor little things to finish up in the store: patching one corner of the hardwood floor upstairs, a sill on the mezzanine, hanging the ceiling fan, and plastering one concrete block wall. The full reality of having an entire store as my responsibility is starting to sink in -- not in a scary way, but in a nervous excitement way. Plus, I've got a ton of work still to finish. I shouldn't be taking time out to screw around on MySpace, but I'm eating lunch so I'm technically multitasking.

By the way, I'm thinking about having some kind of little private gathering at the store just before opening week -- maybe the Friday or Saturday night before the grand opening -- just a little event by invitation where everyone can check things out, have some snacks and stuff, get special discounts.... Anyone interested can drop me an email so I know who to invite. This won't be until early August. Like, the 4th or 5th.

Well, before I get back to work, I'll throw in another installment of "Retro Email Humor Theater." Or Theatre, if you're not from around here.

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Dear Sir,

My friends, Wayne and Janelle, over at Wichita Falls, Texas, received a check the other day for $1000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the not raising hogs business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed dot to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I havent raised. My friend Wayne is very excited about the future of this business. He has been raising hogs for 20 years and the most he ever made was $420 in 1978, until this year, when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I can get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 not raised hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can buy an airplane. Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Well I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the yar to not raise hogs and grain. I am also considering the not milking cows business, so please send me any information on that also.

In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Patriotically yours,

Otis Deal