20 Things I Learned in France

Back in 1997 I spent six weeks in France with one of my architecture classes. Here are a few things I learned:

1. If you want to get hit on by weird foreign guys, the easiest way to get attention is to sit down with a sketch pad and start drawing. You'll end up with more phone numbers than sketches.

2. Nothing tests your mastery of a foreign language like trying to talk your way out of an encounter with a creepy foreign guy intent on taking you out for coffee.

3. The French are great with food. The French are not great with Mexican food. French bartenders are also unclear on what goes into a margarita.

4. Duck pate is fabulous, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

5. Being able to lounge in the sun on the beach in Calais in June might seem like a sure thing, but it's also possible to find that the expensive bathing suit you purchased in Paris two weeks prior was totally unnecessary given the windy 40 degree weather on the beach the one weekend you're there.

6. If you get the chance to run naked into the freezing cold waters of the English Channel in the dead of night, go for it. You'll regret passing up the chance and being the chicken who held the clothes.

7. 284 steps sounds like a lot of stairs to climb. It feels like more.

8. When a group of drunk French college students and a group of drunk American college students try to teach each other good drinking games, everyone ends up way too drunk and nobody really learns anything.

9. Late night American TV means lots of infomercials. Late night French TV means lots of soft core porn. Or maybe we just stayed in the wrong kinds of hotels.

10. No matter how much you study a language, there's a good chance you'll not be familiar with the words necessary to ask for something you really need.

11. That will also be the one time you forget to bring your French-English dictionary with you.

12. Padlocking the zippers of your backpack together might look silly, but he who laughs at you will be the first to have his passport stolen.

13. Signs warning you to keep off the grass also mean don't play hacky sack in close proximity to the grass.

14. If you pack art supplies in your luggage for a long flight, make sure they're extremely secure. The last thing you want to spend your first day in Paris doing is trying to scrub conte crayon out of your clothes.

15. Looking for extra excitement while traveling abroad? Bring along a 3-year-old.

16. Walking a lot only leads to losing weight if you don't simultaneously gorge yourself on pastries and wine.

17. Watch out for air bubbles lurking in the melted butter underneath your escargot. They will explode in your face at the slightest provocation. Strangers will laugh at you.

18. She who turns her nose up at being served a big slice of Bambi is likely to find that the dinner she gets instead is a big slice of Thumper. Both are delicious.

19. It doesn't matter how nice the boat is, it will never make up for finding out that the hovercraft you bought tickets for is out of service for the day.

20. Cats can, indeed, be leash trained, and it's adorable.