10 Reasons I've Chosen to Participate in a Marathon

This time, there's no turning back (unless I want to waste the registration fee and feel really crappy about giving up). I'm officially registered to participate in the 2011 Chicago Marathon. Yes, I currently weigh over 200 pounds. No, I've never done a marathon before, or even a half marathon, and it's been a long time since I participated in a 5k or 10k race (I've done the distance recently, just not in a race context).

Yes, I do still think I will be able to complete the marathon in less than 6 hours come October.

Am I crazy? Maybe. And I have to admit that as I entered my training schedule into my BlackBerry's calendar the other night I had a moment where I felt a little crazy for even considering it. There's certainly an element of insanity to my goal. Hell, there's something a little insane about marathoning in general.

So why am I doing it?

1. For my health.

Believe it or not, this is perhaps the least compelling reason for me to take on this challenge. Yeah, it's partly about weight loss, but if all I wanted to do was get fit and lose weight there are a lot less demanding ways to do that. Still, there's no way putting in what will amount to hundreds of miles over the next 8 months (and that's not counting all the strength training, occasional yoga classes, and time on the elliptical machine) won't result in me losing weight and getting in better shape. It's what started me down this path, and had I never gotten to the point of committing to losing weight in the first place I wouldn't be ready to commit to this. Plus, having this very huge goal lurking in the future means I have a compelling reason not to skip workouts. Mostly this whole thing -- the weight loss goal, the fitness plan, the desire to complete this marathon -- is about me spending some time on myself, working through some very personal emotional issues. But the health aspect of it is a huge side benefit.

2. Because distance walking is both challenging and enjoyable.

Over the past few years I've discovered that I really, really love walking long distances. It started when I decided to try and save gas money by walking between my business and my night job. The trip was about a mile and a half each way, which at the time took me a full half hour each way to complete. But those half hour walks were something I looked forward to. It was just me, the music in my headphones, and the thoughts in my head. Those walks were therapeutic in ways I have a hard time describing in words. There's nothing quite like pounding the pavement to the rhythm of a really gut-wrenchingly meaningful song, especially when the beat is fast enough to really push my heart rate up. Walking has become like meditation to me. Active, sweaty meditation. It's the best way I've found to work through stress, deal with emotions, think through problems, and let my thoughts just wander without interruption. It is the
best excuse to spend a lot of time alone. It's physical and mental all at once, and even if I start a long walk mentally stressed and physically tired I always end up clearheaded and energized (even if I am drenched in sweat and end up falling asleep on my keyboard a few hours later).

3. Because it's totally personal.

I'm a person who likes to set goals. It's one of my favorite hobbies, and I'm good at it. I like doing research and planning out all the steps required to get to the end. In the past, however, all the goals I've set and the plans I've made involved other people in some way. Either I needed the assistance and support of others to reach my goal, I did it to please others, or my success depended on the judgment and approval of somebody else. This marathon, though, is just about me. Although I may have a partner to walk with at times or a trainer to guide me, nobody can force me to do the work or take up the slack if I don't carry through. I'm not doing this for the attention or praise of anyone else. Nobody told me I should do this. In fact, I'm guessing there aren't too many people out there who don't think I'm a little nuts for even trying. And the difference between success and failure is not subjective: either I finish while there's a finish line to cross or I don't, and my performance will be judged only by a clock. This is all about doing something I want to do because I think it will be a beneficial experience. It's time I did something for myself, just because it will make me feel good.

4. To prove that I am able to carry through.

Like I said, I'm a person who sets big goals and makes big plans. What I'm really not good at is seeing these plans through to the end. Sometimes I've settled for less than the end goal I wanted because I'd failed to do what I knew I needed to do to succeed. Sometimes I've abruptly abandoned one goal and set out in a very different direction to cover up the fact that I knew I couldn't make up for all the progress I hadn't made. There hasn't been even one time that the reason I fell short of my goals didn't boil down to me simply not carrying through. I procrastinate. I take huge risks involving unorthodox methods and shunning the involvement of others to avoid smaller risks that might mean me being criticized or held to standards I'm not sure I can meet. I make elaborate plans and ditch them the moment I realize I've fallen behind schedule or failed to make progress fast enough for my liking.

Marathon training, though, can't be like that. Either I commit and put in the time, or I find myself not prepared. I can't skip a lot of training and expect to be able to make up for lost time. I can't just wing it and expect to complete the race within the given time limit. Nobody gets a medal or certificate for almost finishing. And I'll be honest, as I'm writing this there's a very loud voice in the back of my head questioning whether I'll actually make it this time. But if I do this I will be proving to myself that I can carry through all the way to the end without somebody else pushing me along.

5. To prove I'm as capable as I like to think I am.

I grew up being told I was talented and capable of doing just about anything I put my mind to. It's a great thing to be told when you're a kid, and it's the reason I learned to dream big without doubting myself.

It's also the reason, though, I've learned to doubt myself as an adult.

I bought into all that positive reinforcement as a kid, but now that time has passed and I've consistently failed to live up to my own dreams and, often, the expectations of others, my confidence isn't what it used to be. I know I theoretically am capable of achieving big things, but my track record certainly doesn't show it. And in this instance I know that I'm theoretically capable of going from a more-fit-than-average 215 pounds to fit and prepared to racewalk a marathon over a period of 8 months. A lot of people probably scoff at that idea, but it's theoretically doable if I put in the work. But I'm tired of living in the world of dreams and theories. It's time I stepped up and proved the theory. It's time to put up or shut up.

6. Because it's reasonably huge.

I've been asked a few times why I'm going for a full marathon instead of starting with a 5k, 10k, or half marathon. The answer is simple, really. It's the longest distance event I think I can be ready for within a year.

When I was in college I participated in a charity 10k with a few sorority sisters with, as I recall, no real training. I don't remember how fast I completed it, but I completed it. I was exhausted at the end and I was sore for a while, but I did it without much trouble. After spending the last year and a half putting feet to pavement I see 10k as, well, not enough of a challenge. That's a moderately easy walk to me now. And I've walked up to about 10 miles at a time before, so a half marathon doesn't seem like a very big challenge, either. But a marathon? It's a big challenge. There is, honestly, a huge question mark lurking at the end of this process. It's a matter of going big or going home.

7. To practice following the wisdom and advice of others.

As I said, I'm big on setting goals and making plans, and not real proficient at following through. Part of the reason I often fall short of my goals is that I am far more likely to try and avoid the watchful eye and judgment of others by trying to come up with unorthodox methods of my own than to follow the lead of those who have gone before. And to be honest, the first few times I've embarked on a marathon training plan I've not totally followed the tried and true methods of training. I fell into my old bad habit of telling myself that I can ignore the experts just so that I don't have to live up to the expectations of others or put myself in a position where my progress or lack thereof could be judged or criticized.

I know I can't do that. I knew it then, I think, but I'm owning up to it now. I can't cut corners and pretend that I have better methods than those that have been developed by those who have successfully run marathons for all these years. I'm not just committing to completing a marathon, I'm committing to doing it the right way. So I will take the advice of those who know better. I will follow a reasonable plan, not trying to push for too much progress too fast and not cutting out parts that I don't like. I will work with the proper gear and take the suggested precautions so I don't risk injuring myself or burning out. I have no excuse for not doing this the right way. This is a good opportunity to practice humility and discipline, for my own good.

8. Because there doesn't have to be anything beyond the finish line.

This is an unusual type of goal for me not just because it's completely personal, but also because it doesn't necessarily carry with it a complete change in the direction of my life. This is the first goal I've set that doesn't involve making decisions and commitments that completely change the trajectory of my future. I can do this once, pat myself on the back, and decide that's enough. Sure, I could finish and decide I want to do it again, but whether or not that happens is irrelevant at this point. Each marathon I do could be the last one I decide to do, and once I decide I've done my last race I can simply stop. I've committed to getting to the finish line on October 9th, to putting in the time and effort to properly train to do so, and that's the extent of it. I don't have to give up on other commitments to make this one. I don't have to change my career goals or rethink my other involvements. This isn't a prerequisite for any other event important to my future. This could be the start of a new hobby, or it could be a cool thing I do one time, and either outcome is just fine.

9. Because once I earn it, it's mine.

Once I cross that finish line, nothing can change or diminish the fact that I did it. It doesn't matter how many other races I do or don't do after that. It doesn't matter how many other people do the same thing and do it faster. You have to earn it and there's no way around that. And once you've earned it you can always look positively on the fact that you did it.

10. Because failure isn't a catastrophic option.

I'm certainly not going in this believing that I will fail. I believe I can do this. But if I don't, the world doesn't end. I would be disappointed in myself and I would likely beat myself up over it for a while, but that's it. Failure doesn't carry big consequences. It wouldn't mean I couldn't try again. It just is what it is.



In the end, I know it's time to make a big change in my life, and I think this is exactly the challenge and experience I need to teach myself (or reteach myself) a lot of very important lessons. I've spent a lot of time trying to change my life situation in an attempt to feel better about myself, only to finally realize that it should work the other way around. I have to work on myself if I want my life to be any better. Over and over again I've put time and energy into trying to create an ideal career situation, to win the praise of others, etc, only to sabotage my own efforts because ultimately I was trying to avoid facing my own issues and shortcomings. I was trying to substitute the esteem and attention of others for my own self esteem. So I guess in large part I'm doing this for my own emotional health. I've learned over the past few years, finally, that what I've always really wanted -- the root of all the things I've tried and failed to accomplish -- was simply to feel good about myself and my capabilities. Every time I've failed I've looked to some even bigger goal thinking that reaching it would make up for all the goals I didn't reach. This won't make up for those regrets, but it will be the first step in relearning how to be the person I used to be (or at least used to believe I was).

Plus, you know, I'll be damn sexy at the end of all this. And that's pretty damn cool, too.