I'm about to become a statistic

It was pretty much exactly three years ago that I started seriously thinking about opening my own business. Thinking back over those three years, I can see now a whole list of things that happened that probably should have shaken some sense into me, or at least made me pause and think things through just a little more thoroughly. Hindsight's a bitch.

That's not to say that every setback I've encountered since I started writing up the first draft of my business plan was something I caused or could control. Maybe without that devastating ice storm in January 2007, or the lengthy theater construction process that had our block closed to traffic for over a month, or the crappy economy in general the slips in judgment I've contributed to the bigger picture could have been overcome. But I couldn't control those things, and I've managed to screw myself over with all the decisions that I could control.

So I guess this is the beginning of the end.

I know everyone likes to say I'm being too hard on myself, but I'm not. Really.

When the deal with the mall fell through, I should have just shelved the project for a while and taken the time to consider options. But I didn't. I'd already borrowed money and purchased a little bit of inventory, so I just pushed ahead and took the first property I saw that I could afford. I knew my market research didn't really apply anymore, since I'd based all my numbers on mall traffic and such, but instead of figuring out how to really get accurate figures for the new location and spending some time reworking the plan, I pulled numbers from random data and hoped for the best.

After the first few delays in getting access to the property I should have known better than to jump the gun and quit my job. Those delays ate up a great deal of my startup capital, and had I continued working I could have maybe even added to the pot instead of having to dip into it early to cover the down time.

I should have managed my personal finances better for the last three years. Every time the business itself was doing better, I let my own bank account crash and burn. I knew better. I know better. And yet I still keep doing it. And every time it happens it just gets worse and worse. The purpose of having a second job is so that I have money of my own to contribute to saving the business, yet I continually screw up and dig the hole deeper and deeper. If I could take back all the money I've wasted in my personal life, I could probably save the business. But I've been stressed, and I've let the stress cause me to spend money on stupid stuff to try and make myself feel better.

I shouldn't have procrastinated and let that opportunity for free advertising go to waste. I feel exceedingly stupid for that.

I should have tried my best to get help from others. Instead, I kept telling myself I could do it all. Clearly, I can't. By the time I knew I needed help, I was so busy with two jobs that I wasn't around enough to be available to network like I should have. I didn't ask for help or take advantage of the help that was offered because I kept waiting to get time to sit down and make a plan and figure out what to delegate and what kind of help I needed. The one time I should probably have jumped on opportunities instead of taking things slow, I opted to take things slow and the opportunities drifted away.

Ultimately, I could probably find some way to keep going. Hell, I've kept this little venture limping along for three years already. It's not like my sales aren't slowly growing. Very, very slowly growing. But I'm under far too much stress and it's affecting my health and my mood and my productivity. My brain is fried. I'm beyond broke at the moment, mostly because I've screwed the pooch yet again. I can't help but be aware that my parents are not a bank and the availability of their personal funds is not unlimited. They're in my life far too much now, too, and that brings an entire new level of stress with it. They're at an age where I can't continue to demand so much of their time and funds. Our house is in such a mess that I can't possibly get it under control while the store is still open. I can't continue to put my student loans on forbearance anymore, and I can't make the payments if all my money is going to the store.

So there it is. They say that the vast majority of small businesses don't survive to see five years. I really thought mine would.

It's not like it's going completely away. I can't stop making stuff. And on the plus side, I have made some contacts over the past three years that might open doors that weren't open back before all of this, back when I was trying to make a go of this on the internet.

Still, though, this is now the second time I've fucked up my life and had to start all over again. I can't keep doing this.

So if you're reading this and you're interested, I'll be desperately trying to sell off as much inventory as I can over the next six months. I haven't yet figured out how to start the process of shutting things down, but I'll get there. I'll keep everyone posted.