TEN BONUS POINTS IF THEY USED TO BE SOMEBODY YOU KNOW!!

I'm all for disaster readiness, and I do think zombie preparedness just doesn't get the attention it deserves. So what will I do when the zombies come?

First of all, I'm going to assume that we're talking about the slow, lumbering type of zombies and not the fast, terrifying kind, because I think fast zombies are just illogical. If you're basically dead flesh, you're not gonna be capable of sprinting, you know?

So first of all, the problem isn't that they're very smart or physically more capable than a living person. They're just numerous, unresting, and focused completely on one thing. Kinda like NIN fans. *rimshot*

My thinking, then, is that you basically just don't want to be noticed by the zombies at all. If they don't know you're around, you're probably good to go. They're running on rotting brain matter, so I'd imagine that a cunning hiding place would be your best bet. Even better if it's inaccessible by massive amounts of people, like something you'd have to climb a ladder in single file to get to.

Can zombies even climb ladders? I think not.

So I'd think some kind of house on stilts would be an ideal zombie-proof living arrangement. They would have to be some pretty sturdy stilts, since a hoard of zombies pushing on the structure is probably not something structural engineers generally design for. I certainly don't remember discussing zombie holocausts in any of my structures classes in architecture school. My instincts tell me, though, that concrete piles would likely work just fine.

I don't live, however, in an elevated domicile. My hiding place will have to be slightly easier than suddenly creating a new home out of thin air in a hurry. Chances are that the zombie hoards will remain a danger for a long period of time, so I'd have to have access to provisions. One would also assume that there would be some warning if a hoard of zombies was headed your way.

So here would be my plan:

As soon as I heard news reports of impending zombies, I'd gather up everything useful in my house. Items that can be used as weapons, non-perishable foodstuffs, changes of clothes, various toiletries, board games, scented candles, a few good novels, sex toys, spare batteries, a saucepan, a spatula, a coffee mug, a corkscrew, booze, black eyeliner, several pair of scissors, a teddy bear, incense, thumbtacks, toenail clippers... You get the idea.

Then I'd get in my car. There's no fucking way a zombie can outrun a car. Plus, I imagine there'd be something really satisfyingly gruesome about playing Zombie Pedestrian Polo. TEN BONUS POINTS IF THEY USED TO BE SOMEBODY YOU KNOW!! Let's see Mr. Zombie come after me with crushed legs! Ha!

Then I'd drive away from the zombies. Far away from the zombies. Once out of the zombie zone, I'd stop and pick up some food and such. Non-perishables, more toilet paper, bottled water, and a couple of books of sudoku puzzles. Stop and wash the zombie guts off my car. Fill the tank. Maybe grab a meal at a Waffle House. I do really love me some grits. With extra butter.

Anyway, once I had enough food and such stocked up in my car to last me for a bit, I'd find some off-the-beaten-path place to stay. The danger of zombies is their numbers, so I'd say as long as I stay away from most other humans I'll be okay. They'll be going after the most plentiful sources of flesh. Any single zombies that stray from the herd will be fairly easy to combat, and if nothing else I can just drive away. And while I'm living in my car waiting out the zombie migration, I can busy myself writing folk songs, just like Jewel used to do!

Once the zombies moved past, I'd go back home. I'm sure there would be a lot of zombie mess to clean up, but with the zombies doing their thing elsewhere, I'm sure I'd have time to bleach everything I ever owned, dig a large moat around the house, and then put up a razor wire fence.

I suppose I could just go ahead and dig that moat and put up the razor wire right now, except that it would take a lot of hassle with building permits and zoning disputes, not to mention the expense. Once the zombie hoards have decimated the area, I figure zombie-proofing won't be something I'd have to justify to Planning and Zoning, and I can probably just loot the necessary supplies from the nearest abandoned Home Depot.

Then, once the zombies are finally annihilated, the moat and fence will be useful for keeping my nosy neighbors, stray dogs, and Jehovah's Witnesses off my property. Yeah, let's see you try to tell me about Jesus now, fuckers!

And if all else fails, there's always the approach my brother and his friends took to combating zombies (my brother's the one defending his rose garden):