My unreasonable demands:

Hot turkey sandwiches, minus the hot and the sandwiches
Consult Kourtnie's mother for the recipe.

A box of chardonnay
Brand may vary. Must be presented in a white-trash-appropriate manner.

Jugglers
So that when I'm severely annoyed I might pop one.

The constant presence of the Invisible Russian Mafia
Because I very well might be lying about the price of cigarillos. They should, however, leave their weapons outside.

Fog machine
Wait for it.

Cheese
For cleaning the kitchen.

Flan
It's my whole existence.