When I was in college, which was way back in the day when emails only came in plain text and we actually used 3.5" diskettes to save our term papers, my friends and I used to exchange lots of funny email messages. Of course, this was also in that era when these emails didn't carry viruses, only came from people we knew, and were actually funny. Man, those were the days....
Anyway, I saved a lot of those funny lists and jokes as text files which have miraculously traveled with me through the last decade intact. I recently rediscovered them and, since I can't think of anything better to do with them, will post them one by one every day or two here in my blog for your enjoyment.
And so without further ado:
HOW TO BE ANNOYING:
Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
Set alarms for random times.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Eds stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce no, wait, I messed it up, and repeat.
Name your dog Dog.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with thats what YOU think.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener that it was a real hoot.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall of in case the big one comes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as Feliz Navidad, Macarena, the Archies Sugar, or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Chew on pens that youve borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim that the faster speed is necessary because of your superior mental processing.
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant swing batatatatata-SWING!
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your imaginary friend.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles.
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as sticky wicket isnt cricket.
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a magic picture.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that youll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Construct elaborate crop circles in your front lawn.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
Send people endless lists on e-mail, insisting that they will be the most hilarious thing theyve read in their boring lives that day.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show
Tape pieces of Sweating to the Oldies over climactic parts of rental videos
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register
Begin all your sentences with ooh la la!
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reeds metal Machine Music.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE
only type in lowercase
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets
Pay for your dinner with pennies
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes
Repeat everything someone says, as a question
Write X-buried treasure in random spots on all of someones roadmaps
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassinaiton/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: Do you hear that? What? Nevermind, its gone now.
Light road flares on a birthday cake
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency
Demand that everyone address you as Conquistador
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks
When Cristmas carolling, sing Jingle Bells, Batman smells, until physiacally restrained
Wear a cape that says Magnificent One
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
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