More random retro humor

Okay, one more addition from my list of funny things. This one is an old favorite:

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Dear Friends,

My name is Norm and Ive got an amazing story to tell you, a story that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!

One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass.

Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels? But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the shortest amount of time and it hit me.... A chain letter, an ostensibly illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.*, any personals group, or best of all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get people to duplicate my annoying spam.

Yes, folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And getter than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY SHIT, YOULL SHIT A PENNY!!

Lets look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:

With a conservative estimate of half a million people on the net, assume half of those read your post and of that half 85f those people hate you...

thats 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS ... RIGHT OFF THE BAT!

And those people can be used over and over again. Lets say that just one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if theyre the same people who just got pissed off at you, thats still going to mean ANOTHER $4250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS!! PYRAMID SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERES NO ONE LEFT... BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF OVER AND OVER AND OVER. AND YOULL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, you have to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But thats nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!!

Trust me folks, it works. Its a proven fact that if you post pyramid scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU!!! Theyll send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of names, BUT YOULL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS!!!

Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters!

Dear Norm,

I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted your Shit Nickles letter, so many people have been getting pissed at me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that makes it through the hoop, I get two points. Ive become the Michael Jordan of nickel shitters. And yesterday, I started shitting pennies. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

Sincerely,

B.A. Schmuck

Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear Norm,

Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my asshole was getting sooo sore. But Im sore no more and Im rich as Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass.

Yours Always,

Cherry B. Toodles

Los Angeles, California

yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy this post everywhere, make people hate you, and youll shit nickels too!

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And just because I can't stop playing this game....

My newest movie soundtrack for my life:

Opening Credits: Candy - Will Smith

Waking Up: Luca - Suzanne Vega (this is shaping up to be one fucked up movie)

Falling in Love: 1985 - Bowling for Soup (Maybe I fall in love at a skating rink?)

Fight scene: Roam - B-52s (Maybe it's not so much a fight as a contest. Like... um... The Great Race or something. Yeah. Sure.)

Breaking up: The Distance - Cake

Getting back together: Lady Marmelade - Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya, Li'l Kim (Nothing like dressing like a hooker to win back your love.)

Secret Love: Circles - The Kinda Long Haired Band (I left this in the list because, you know, Strong Bad rocks. And I guess I'm secretly in love with that skinny blonde girl. And the circles, and the ages, and the ages. Beautiful!)

Life's okay: I Drive Myself Crazy - 'NSync

Mental breakdown: Into The Groove - Madonna (I think my Life's Okay songs and my Mental Breakdown songs keep getting switched.)

Driving Flashback: You're Only Human - Billy Joel

Partying: Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' - Michael Jackson (One of those disco parties. Yeah!)

Happy dance: Dancing Queen - ABBA (And I SWEAR I didn't cheat to put this in here!)

Regretting: Imaginary - Evanescence

Long night alone: Diamonds and Pearls - Prince

Final Battle: It's Still Rock And Roll To Me - Billy Joel

Death scene: Rhythm Is Gonna Get You - Gloria Estefan (Ah, so that's how I die. The rhythm gets me. I honestly didn't know it was out to get me in the first place.)

Closing Credits: These Words - Natasha Bedingfield